Hmm, its been quite a while. November was my last post. November, and December were a complete blur. I don't recall if I have ever mentioned on here that I have had bouts of depression, but one hit me really hard at the end of last year, and I pretty much completely shut down. A few weeks prior to my breakdown, a very close friend of mine tried to take her life. This hit everyone around her, including me very hard. I have lost a lot of friends to suicide over the years, and every time it happens, it reinforces how much it hurts those we care about. I found myself in a very dark place, I didn't want to get out of bed, and sometimes I couldn't.
I gave away between 3 and 4 shifts every week at work, I stopped going to classes, stopped exercising and stopped eating healthy. I was suicidal. I called Crisislink twice, and finally made a decision to go see my doctor. I wanted this fixed. After consulting with him, we decided to try antidepressants. I had always shied away from them, but I didn't see any other way to deal with this. My usual routine of exercise, healthy eating, a shitload of vitamin D only works when I am doing it. I needed a way to claw myself back to being functional again so I could get back into a routine.
After going through the side effects, we settled on Zoloft. There would be an introductory dose for the first week to make sure there were no major reactions, then after that we would go to full dosage. That first week, some odd things happened to ma. There were side effects unlike any I expected, and I did not like them. I asked my doctor and he said they were likely just onset problems. Luckily they were, and they started to pass. The problem with most antidepressants(especially SRRI's) is that they take 6-8 weeks to start working. I was seriously concerned that I would kill myself way before that happened. A month or so later, I went back in and he had set-up an appointment for me at CAMH tor a mental health assessment. The whole concept freaked me out. My doctor said that while he does have a lot of psych knowledge, I really should see someone who has the whole picture and can properly diagnose me.
6 weeks later, my Zoloft was finally working. It had kicked-in after 8 weeks as far as I could tell. I was feeling better and I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. If this stuff actually works, I'm fixed, problem solved...or so I thought. I was happy. Too happy. I would get really happy because of the drugs, then hit a point and crash back down. Then I started to worry again. Luckily, my appointment at CAMH was in a few days. After about an hour talking to Dr. Jeeva, he had diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Some major signs were my ability to function on no or little sleep for extended periods of time(weeks) excessive partying and drinking followed by major regret and depression, and my reaction to Zoloft. He requested a stop to Zoloft and wanted me to be put on a mood stabilizer. He recommended Lithium. I was up for anything if it could fix me. I went home and researched Lithium. While on it, you need to get a blood test done every 2 weeks to check the concentration of Lithium in your blood steam. The effective dosage of Lithium is just below what's toxic. Lithium gets into your body by being one of a few different salts. In essence, it's regulated by electrolytes, and if your electrolyte levels are off wither by dehydration, or lack of electrolytes in your body you can have major issues with Lithium Toxicity. Lithium toxicity is no joke. In general, the side effects of being on Lithium in the first place are bad. Nausea, tremors and weight gain are the minor ones, fainting, irregular pulse, and troubled breathing during exercise are a bit more problematic! If you are a hard working triathlete who may dehydrate on a 5 hour ride or 3 hour run, the risk of dehydration is already a problem, but if you dehydrate, you risk Lithium Toxicity. The possible problems from that are insane. Seizures, uncoordination of arms and legs, liver failure, or risk of a coma!
So I decided that was a bad idea for me.
I talked to my doctor about that and we decided on the second medication recommendation from CAMH Epival. Before I could start on that, i wanted to stop with the Zoloft first. if there were any onset problems, I wanted to make sure that was the Epival and not an interaction of the drugs. So I stopped Zoloft. 4 days later, everything hurt. Constant headache, nausea, and very time I moved my eyes, there was a bright flash of light and it felt like someone zapped me with a cattle prod. Every time I took a step I was wildly disoriented. Doing regular day to day activities was hard enough. I am a server(waiter) and I need to carry drinks around on a tray and carefully put them down in the correct place or fill glasses...it was terrifying! I promptly went to my doctor and asked him what the hell was going on. He told me that was withdrawal. I didn't know there would be any withdrawal in the first place, and this REALLY sucked. I asked him what I could do about it. He said it should go away soon, but we may need to put me back on it and wean me off. I told him that I was having problems functioning. He wrote me a prescription for a lower dose and I promptly gave my next days shift away at work. I went home, took a pill and went to sleep at like 5pm. Apparently it would be back in my system within about 24 hours and the symptoms should fade, so I wanted nothing to do with reality until that happened.
I took the lowered dose until it ran out(2 weeks) then continued on my way. 3 days later, I was back in withdrawal hell. I went back to my doc and explained the problem, and he gave me a 1 month dose of the lowest they had. Once again I gave away the next days shift and went to sleep. My plan was to take it every day for 2 weeks, then go 1 day on, one day off, for a week, then 1 day on, 2 days off until it was all gone. By the time that all happened, I only had minor withdrawal. Holy crap that stuff messes with my brain in a bad way. I got my prescription for Epival on March 24th and it sits on my desk still unopened. It also required blood work to be done, but not on the same scale as Lithium. To be honest, I am afraid of it. With the amount of bullshit I went through with my last prescription, I don't know what this is going to do to me.
I wanted something else that would keep me stable.
After thinking back lots on my down days, I do now realize that Dr. Jeeva's diagnosis is bang on, and that in order to avoid having the down days, I need to try to avoid going off the rails. If I let go a bit too much, I go manic. Once I'm manic, there will always be a crash. I really have been trying to regulate myself lately, if I am drinking, I can't overdo it. A nice buzz is fine, a few beers, no problem, but if I overdo it and hit the shots really hard, I will cross that line, and the next day(or days) are going to be hell. It's one hell of a good thing that I don't do any drugs. If I did...and went manic while on them, I would likely just keep partying, and probably overdose. If I didn't overdose, the crash from all that stuff would be catastrophic.
So I set some goals for my triathlon season. I wanted to do a Half-Ironman. I needed a serious goal to motivate me. So I signed-up for the Niagara Falls Barrelman. September 20th it all goes down.
I just needed something more to help me get there...a secret weapon if you will.
More on that soon, I am stable and will be posting regularly again.
Until next time,
The Bipolar Triathlete
Sidenote to all of this, Lithuim by Nirvana came on the radio while I was writing this...Ha!
